ANGER MANAGEMENT
What is it like to be angry?
Jim is travelling to work along a busy street, when a car stops in front of his bus. Some time goes by and the traffic lights turn from red to green and back again. Still nothing happens and Jim starts to feel tension rising and a tight feeling in his stomach. He begins to curse the driver in his mind "Stupid, lazy, selfishly holding everyone up, he'll make me late". The feeling builds up, he begins to feel hot. Someone brushes against him by accident, he turns on them, swears and pushes them away roughly
Michelle is feeling tired and she has a headache so she sends the children out of doors to play, telling them not to disturb her. After half an hour, she hears a loud noise and shouting so she goes out to see what is happening. The youngest child is sitting on the path and crying with a small cut on her chin and the older ones are just looking on and doing nothing. She feels relief that nothing more serious appears wrong, and then a sudden surge of fury takes hold. She thinks "why can't they do as they are told" and "why do they always let me down?". She gets more angry and feels a pounding in her head, her legs start to tremble, and things seem to look misty or unreal, as though a curtain has come down. All she can think about is grabbing the nearest of the older children. She thinks "I'll teach you not to do it again"
After work, you go to pick up a newspaper from your local shop. You're waiting to pay when a couple push in front of you as though you weren't there. You try and keep your temper and not say anything, telling yourself it is not worth getting upset about. They take their time, finally as they reach the door, one of them looks back and catches your eye for a few seconds. Then she turns around and says something to her friend and they both laugh as they leave the shop. You feel angry and think "they've made a fool of me" the rest of your day is spoilt, you can't relax, you feel irritable
You may have been in situations like these and had some of the feelings and thoughts which are described. Everyone feels angry at times, and this is often due to life stresses such as money or housing problems or difficulties in relationships. For some people the problem becomes much worse and gets in the way of normal life. Anger becomes a problem when it becomes too strong, happens too often, lasts too long, spoils relationships or work and if in particular if it leads to violence or aggression
How can this guide help me?
You may feel that you can do little to control your anger - but there
are things that you can do to make a difference. This guide aims
to help you cope with anger. It includes pen and paper exercises
in the booklet to help you begin to understand and deal with your
anger in practical ways. You should find it helpful to complete these
exercises
Understanding anger and its causes
Do I have problems with anger?
If you have a problem with anger you probably already know it, but
these are some of the signs that you may have difficulty controlling
anger. Place a tick next to those you experience regularly:
How you feel How you think What you do |
Common thoughts What happens to your body |
If you are regularly experiencing some or all of these signs then you may have a difficulty with anger control. The following sections may help you to tackle this problem
1. What is anger?
Often when we are angry, the main thing that we are aware of is our
angry mood. Our mood can vary in strength from a mild irritation
to a white hot rage. When it reaches its strongest, it is unlikely
that we will be aware of much else. However, when we look for causes
of our anger, we most often direct our attention outwards, to events
or people in our immediate world or surroundings. For instance, the
lazy motorist holding up traffic in the first example at the beginning
of this leaflet, the careless children in the second, or the rude
behaviour of the people in the shop
The psychological explanation of anger recognises that our mood is a key part of the anger, but it is not the only part. In order to understand the causes of anger better, we need to look at the other parts in a systematic way, and to see how they fit together and influence each other. It is helpful to separate the personal aspects of anger into our mood, thoughts, bodily reactions and impulsive behaviour. The other part we need to consider is the outside world or our surroundings. We need to look at how changes in this affect us, and how we in turn may make changes in our behaviour that affect our environment. The diagram below may help to make sense of this
All
of these parts of anger can affect each other and anger can spiral
out of control. Angry behaviour can cause an angry response from others.
Bodily signs of anger can lead us to feel out of control and this can
make our mood worse. Angry 'hot' thoughts can make us feel more enraged
2. What causes anger?
Anger can vary from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. As with
all emotion, bodily changes go with it - heart rate goes up, blood
pressure goes up as our body is prepared for "fight or flight" (to
get away). It can be caused by reacting to things outside us such
as other people or events (such as the traffic jam in the first example)
or by worrying over our own personal problems. Upsetting memories
from the past can lead to angry thoughts and feelings. It is important
to note that it is not people or events that make you angry it is
your reaction to them that makes you angry
What things tend to trigger your anger?
Outside (people event)
Inside (thoughts, worries, memories)
Some people tend to be more angry than others. Research has shown that they have a low tolerance for frustration. They can't take things in their stride. It may be that some people are naturally more like this from birth, but it may also be that they have not learned to handle anger and to express their feelings in other ways. Some people come from families that are poor at handling emotion and talking, families where levels of anger are high. These people are more likely to have difficulties with anger. Getting very angry is never helpful and the belief that it can make you feel better is not true. Research has found that if you let your anger loose it can get out of control. Being angry means you do not learn to handle the situation. It is best to begin to understand your anger and gain control over it
In summary
Anger affects the way we feel, think and behave. It causes a number
of symptoms in our body. It can be caused by our reactions to things
happening around us or by our own thoughts and worries. We may be
more likely to be angry by nature or may never have learned to control
our anger and express our feelings more helpfully
Controlling anger
1. Angry Thoughts
We have seen that thoughts can make us feel angry, but often people
who have a problem with anger do not notice these angry thoughts.
It is important in trying to gain control over anger, that we begin
to recognise and challenge those thoughts
'Hot' thoughts
'Hot thoughts' are angry thoughts that flash into your mind and make
you feel worse. People tend to have similar thoughts happening again
and again, for example:
"He is so stupid", "You're making a fool of me", "You're
selfish", "I want to hurt you", "I hate this
place".
These "hot" thoughts are often backed up by ways of negative
thinking. It may help you to decide if you are making any of the following
thinking errors
Thinking Errors
Taking things personally
People who are angry often take things personally and feel hurt by
it. They look for and expect criticism from other people. If for example
someone doesn't speak to them in a shop they may feel that person dislikes
them, when in fact it may be that he or she is just shy or worried.
If someone looks over at them they may think "he thinks I'm stupid",
when in fact the person is just glancing over without any such thought
Ignoring the positive
People who get angry tend to focus their thinking on negative or bad
events and ignore positive or good events. In the examples at the
beginning of the booklet Michelle thought about one small accident
that had happened but did not think about the half hour of quiet
play before it. This is often a problem for people who get angry
with those close to them
Perfectionism
People who become angry often expect too much from themselves or those
around them. If these standards are not met, then they feel badly
let down and hurt. This hurt becomes anger. For example, Mary has
a friend who had agreed to go on holiday with her but let her down
at the last minute. Mary felt the friend had failed her and decided
that she did not want to see her again. This was despite the fact
that the friend was good to her on many other occasions
Black and white thinking
Thinking in black and white, all or nothing terms in common in people
who get very angry. This is particularly a problem when it comes
to knowing how firm to be with people. For example, John has a friend
Paul who had borrowed money from him. John was quite happy to offer
this loan and thought, "Paul is a good mate; I know I can trust
him". Paul has not offered to repay it after two weeks and John
who didn't like to mention it has begun to think ,"He is taking
a lend, he thinks I'm a soft touch, an idiot". He becomes angry
and the next time he sees Paul he begins to shout and make threats
about what he will do if the money is not repaid, immediately. He
thinks: "If I don't show him, he'll take me for a ride".
It might have been better for both, if John had taken a middle approach
and firmly asked Paul to repay the money earlier, rather than saying
nothing or becoming very angry in response to the thought "He's
taking a lend"
If you find yourself making thinking errors like those mentioned above, it can help to try and think more balanced thoughts. One way of doing this is to write two columns, one for angry thoughts and the other for a more balanced thoughts, eg:
| Angry Thought | Balanced Thought |
| "He is looking over here at me and thinks I'm stupid" | "He is looking over here but I don't know what he is really thinking" |
| "They always let me down" | "They sometimes behave badly but at times they are really OK" |
| "She just doesn't care about me, she is selfish" | "I know she let me down, but she does care, she usually tries to be kind" |
Write down some of your thoughts now and write as many answers or balanced thoughts as you can. The aim is to get faster at catching these "hot thoughts" when they come into your head and answering back straight away. It takes a lot of practice but really does work
Beliefs about anger that can be unhelpful
Some people hold beliefs that make it harder for them to bring their
anger under control. The beliefs sometimes excuse anger or make it
seem the only response. The beliefs are sometimes held because of
life experiences or personal values. People may have lived with these
beliefs for so long that they accept them without question, but it
is important to question them to help overcome anger
Here are some examples of these unhelpful beliefs and ideas on how
to challenge and question them:
I can't control my anger, my father was angry and it is something I inherited from him
This is the idea that anger is something you can't change - it's in your makeup, something you were born with. It is an excuse,that lets you off the hook in terms of controlling your anger. We know that some people are born with tendencies to be more emotional, fearful, angry or sad. The way we react to these emotions however is learned, and we can tackle our own angry behaviour by changing the way we respond to events and people
If I don't let my anger out I'll explode
It has long been a popular belief that some emotions and drives build up, like steam in a pressure cooker and need some way out or else they become harmful. If you hold this point of view losing your temper could be seen as something healthy. But we know from research that people are often left feeling much worse after losing control of anger. Shouting, hitting, slamming doors can all increase and strengthen feelings of anger
If you don't show anger you're either a saint or a wimp
This is an example of black and white thinking. You think that if you're not angry and aggressive then you're a hopeless wimp. But the best way to deal with situations, both for yourself and those around you, is not to be angry and out of control, but to be firm, sure and in control - to be assertive
My anger is something people fear and it stops them taking advantage of me
This belief sees anger as a protector and other people as dangerous. It may be that this belief was correct at a particular time of your life, but if you continue to think this way, it can cause problems. Good friendships are not formed on fear and you will be unlikely to have good friendships and relationships because of your angry behaviour. It is also likely to backfire, where others with problems of anger will see you as threatening and possibly pick fights with you
If I get angry it takes my anxiety away
This belief is often found in people who have been the victims of violence or aggression. It is better to try and tackle your anxiety by other ways rather than exchanging one unpleasant emotion for another. Anxiety can only be overcome by facing what you fear and finding ways of overcoming it
I have good reason to be angry because of things other people have done to me
Anger is a natural reaction when we are mistreated or taken advantage of. But if this anger continues into all areas of your life then it will cause difficulties for you. If the mistreatment took place a long time ago and the people who did it are no longer in your life it may help to ask "where does this anger get me now?"
In summary
We need to look carefully at the angry "hot thoughts" we
have and try to see if we are making errors in the way we view situations.
It can help to try and have more balanced thoughts. We also need to
examine long held beliefs about our anger and challenge those, which
are unhelpful. Remember, logic can defeat anger!
2. Controlling the physical symptoms of anger?
Relaxation and calming methods can help to reduce angry feelings. If
you are with a partner who also becomes angry it may help if you
both learn these relaxation techniques. You need to learn to use
the following approaches automatically if you are in a difficult
situation
Reducing physical symptoms
In order to reduce the severity of physical symptoms it is useful to "nip
them in the bud", by recognising the early signs of tension and
anger. Once you have noticed early signs of tension you can prevent
anger becoming too severe by using relaxation techniques. Some people
can relax through exercise, listening to music, watching TV, or reading
a book. Picturing a pleasant scene in your mind can also help. For
others it is more helpful to have a set of exercises to follow. Some
people might find relaxation or yoga classes most helpful, others find
tapes useful. You can obtain a relaxation tape from your GP and there
are also a wide number of relaxation tapes available in the shops.
Remember relaxation is a skill like any other and takes time to learn.
Keep a note of how angry you feel before and after relaxation, rating
your anger 1-10
Controlling breathing
It is very common when someone becomes angry for changes to occur in
their breathing. They can begin to gulp air, thinking that they are
going to suffocate, or can begin to breath really quickly. This is
called over-breathing, it has the effect of making them feel dizzy
and therefore more tense. It can lead to unpleasant feelings but
is not dangerous. Try to recognise if you are doing this and slow
your breathing down. Getting into a regular rhythm of "in two-three
and out two-three" will soon return your breathing to normal.
Some people find it helpful to use the second hand of a watch to
time their breathing
3. Controlling angry behaviours
If we look back to the vicious circle of anger on page five, it becomes
clear that if we can challenge our angry thoughts and reduce the
physical symptoms of anger then we should not get to the point where
we begin to behave angrily. No one is perfect however! If we do not
manage the previous stages it helps to have ideas on how to tackle
the angry behaviours we might normally show. We can do this is three
stages:
Stage 1
Be very clear what your angry behaviours are - what comes before them
and what happens afterwards. It can help to keep a diary over a short
period to help you understand this. For example, Alex continually
'blows his top' in home, work and social situations, he has tried
to understand this by keeping a diary of what happens on these occasions,
this is what he has found: It is clear from his notes collected over
the week that Alex deals with conflict and angry thoughts and feelings
by angry behaviours and leaving the situation
Stage 2
Make a list of all the other things you can do instead of behaving
angrily
When you have done this choose the best new approach(es) to try in
difficult situations. Here is Alex's list as an example
- Excuse myself and leave the situation for a minute, "I'll be back in a minute", return when calmer
- Take a deep breath and relax self for a second
- Ask other person to let me know why they have said something, try and understand them Ask "Why do you want me to let you know when I'll be in?", "Why do you say our section is doing less?"
- Ask other person to sit down and talk about it. Say, "Let's get a cup of tea and talk about it..."
Alex decided to try and use numbers two and three to tackle the difficult situations
Stage 3
Try to adopt the new behaviour in situation where you feel angry. Keep
a diary of how it went
Helpful ideas for changing angry behaviours can be:
- Use a quick relaxation and/or breathing exercise
- Timing - if you tend to get angry at certain times when you talk
to someone e.g. at night, try and talk to them calmly at different
times of the day
- If particular things make you angry - it may be you can avoid them, e.g. don't travel to the shops when you know you'll get stuck in traffic for ages. If you hate to sit in when your partner watches sport, plan something else at that time. If you hate his friend don't be around when the friend is there
- Count to ten before responding
- Go for a quick walk
- Ask yourself at the time "Why is this making me angry?"
- Ask yourself at this time, "Is this worth getting angry about?"
- Use calming self statements in your head, e.g."calm down", "getting mad won't help", "just forget it"
In summary
In order to control angry behaviours you need to:
Know what your angry behaviours are
Decide what other behaviours make take the place of your angry behaviour
Try out these new behaviours
4. Problem Solving
Sometimes real worries and stress can make us more irritable and angry.
A problem solving approach may help in this. A good way to begin
is to write down a problem. Described it as clearly as you can, for
example "I never have any money", is too vague, something
like "I owe £3000 to different credit card companies",
is more helpful. Next, write down as many possible solutions are
you can. It doesn't matter how silly you may think the solutions
are, the point is to think of as many as you can. Try to think how
you have solved similar problems in the past. Ask a friend what they
might do. Think to yourself what you might advise a friend to do
if they had the same problems, e.g. possible solutions: Get all debts
on one loan with less interest. Agree on affordable payments. See
a debt counsellor. Get a part time job. Sell car
If you have a problem that may be making you anxious, try writing it. List as many possible solutions as you can. Choose what seems like the best solution and write down all the steps it would take to achieve the solution. Who might help?, what might go wrong?, often it is helpful to think "what is the worst thing that could happen?". If you can think of a plan to cope with this, your anxiety might reduce. If you are trying to come up with a plan to tackle a problem that has been worrying you for some time, it is often helpful to discuss this with a friend or even your doctor
Stressful lifestyle - general tips
Nowadays life is often stressful, and it is easy for pressures to build
up. We can't always control the stress that comes from outside but
we can find ways to reduce the pressure we put on ourselves:
- Try to identify situations you find stressful by noticing the beginnings
of tension
- Take steps to tackle what it is about these situations that you
find stressful
- Make sure you have time for things you enjoy
- Take up a relaxing hobby
- Make sure you get enough sleep
- Eat a well balanced diet
- Take regular exercise
- Learn to relax
5. Communication
We have learned in the section of this book on thinking errors that
angry people tend to take things personally and will often jump to
conclusions it is therefore important to try and improve communication
skills so that misunderstandings that lead to anger are less likely
to happen. Here are a few tips on improving communication skills:
- Slow down and listen to the other person - don't rush in and say
the first thing that comes to mind
- Don't jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying
or thinking; ask them to tell you more about what they are trying
to say. Don't try to mind-read
- If someone is sounding defensive or critical, don't immediately
fight back. Try and understand the feelings behind what is being
said. It may be that the person feels afraid, hurt or unloved
- If you can keep calm and try and find out more about how the other
is feeling then a row or fight can be avoided
- Try and express or talk about what your feelings really are, rather than going into angry words. Most often what is behind anger is fear, hurt or frustration. Of course you need to try and be clear in your own mind first, why you feel angry
6. Long term beliefs
Sometimes people have long held views about themselves that are very
self critical-for example "I'm not a very loveable person" or "I'm
not a very clever person". These beliefs are often a product
of past experiences, especially if there has been a lot of anger,
criticism or violence in our lives. The beliefs hold no truth for
the present time and it helps to stop this self-criticism. These
beliefs can make you more sensitive and this in turn may lead to
anger towards yourself or others. Try not to knock yourself down,
look at the good things about yourself not the bad, don't stick with
negative beliefs that are there because of unhappy times in your
past
In summary
How can I help myself overcome anger and aggression?
- Recognise your angry thoughts and begin to challenge them
- Challenge any unhelpful thoughts or beliefs that don't allow you
to let go of anger
- Use relaxation and other ways to control the physical symptoms
of anger
- Understand and control angry behaviour, try new calmer actions
- Improve communication and problem solving skills
- Do not allow yourself to continue with long term critical beliefs about yourself
Where can I get further help?
We hope you will use the exercises suggested in this booklet. They
may help you overcome anger and aggression. If you feel you are making
little progress or the problem is getting worse then seek help in
overcoming your problem. Your family doctor is the best person to
talk to first. Your GP may suggest a talking treatment or tablets
or both. He or she may suggest you see a mental health worker who
can offer expert help with your problems. If you feel so distressed
that you have thoughts of harming yourself or you feel you are at
risk of harming others, then visit your doctor as soon as possible
and explain to him or her how you are feeling
Source: Northumberland Mental Health NHS Trust
NHS
Direct 0845 46 47 www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
