ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness can be defined as: 'The ability to communicate our thoughts,
feelings and ideas, both positive and negative, in an open and honest
way which does not abuse our rights or the rights of others
In addition to this we should include the ability to:
- Be responsible for ourselves
- Find a compromise where there is conflict
- Say 'no' to other people
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Being assertive is not about getting our own way at all costs or through the manipulation of others. It is difficult to be assertive all the time, but most of us can benefit from learning to be more assertive in certain areas of our lives
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF BEING ASSERTIVE?
Through being assertive we can improve our self-esteem, self-confidence
and sense of self. By making clear our needs and feelings without
being aggressive or worrying about upsetting others, we can reduce
stress, tension and anxiety. We are more likely to have our needs
met if we make them clear to others
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE NOT ASSERTIVE?
Through being unassertive we can suffer a loss of self-esteem as the
needs of others override our needs. If we do not express our thoughts,
feelings and ideas we can lose our sense of who we are. Relationships
can also be affected by a lack of openness and poor communication,
leading to stress, anxiety and depression.
IF WE AREN'T BEING ASSERTIVE WHAT ARE WE BEING?
When talking about assertiveness, three main types of behaviour are
often mentioned:
- Assertion
- Aggression
- Passivity
We use each behaviour in different ways depending on the circumstances. How we behave can be influenced by the past. It is important to remember that we can learn to behave in different ways if we choose to
Characteristics of assertive behaviour
This type of behaviour involves standing up for your rights and expressing
your thoughts and feelings directly and honestly in a way which respects
the rights of others. The goal of assertiveness is to communicate
clearly with each other. This allows us to express what we think
whilst valuing the opinion of others and being open to exploring
areas of conflict. Characteristics of assertiveness include:
- Really listening
- Firm but relaxed voice
- Direct eye contact
- Erect, balanced, open body stance
- Voice appropriately loud for the situation
- "I" statements (e.g. "I like", "I want", "I don't like")
- Cooperative phrases (e.g. "What are your thoughts on this?")
- Clear statements of interest (e.g. "I would like to...")
Although the process of developing more assertive ways of communication may have its difficulties, there are numerous benefits as noted earlier
Characteristics of aggressive behaviour
This behaviour comes from a desire to have our own needs met, but abuses
the needs of others. Characteristics of aggression include:
- Not respecting personal space
- Staring the other person out
- Sarcastic or condescending voice
- Certain gestures (e.g. finger pointing)
- Threats (e.g. "You'd better watch out", "If you don't...")
- Put downs (e.g. "you've got to be kidding", "Don't be so stupid")
- Comments such as "should", "bad", "ought"
- Discriminatory remarks (e.g. references to a person's appearance)
Although this type of behaviour can help you get what you want, it can also create enemies, making life more difficult for you
Characteristics of passive behaviour
This type of behaviour means you may not be able to express your own
thoughts, feelings and needs. Often we may express our own needs
in such an apologetic way that other people think they are unimportant.
Passivity can give the message that our thoughts and feelings are
less important than the other persons. This behaviour enables us
to avoid conflict at the cost of our own needs. Characteristics of
passivity include:
- Rambling
- Letting things slide without comment
- Beating about the bush - not saying what you mean
- Apologising inappropriately in a soft, unsteady voice
- Being unclear; averting gaze
- Posture - backing off from others, slouching shoulders
- Wringing hands; winking or laughing when expressing anger
- Covering mouth with hand
- Using phrases such as, "If it wouldn't be too much trouble", "...but
do whatever you want", "I...er...um..would like...um...you..er...to
do..."
Although this behaviour can lead to you being viewed as unselfish, it can also lead to unreasonable demands being made of you. Once you have allowed a relationship to develop in a way you don't like it can be difficult to change the pattern of that relationship. You may hide feelings of anger and frustration and be less able to express positive feelings
HOW CAN I BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE?
There are many self-help books concerning assertiveness and developing
confidence. Some colleges and mental health groups run courses on
confidence building and assertiveness skills. If you think you would
be interested in either books or courses try consulting your local
college, mental health groups, library or bookshop. You may wish
to consult the following books:
- Assertiveness: A Practical Approach. Holland, S. and Ward, C. (1994)
Wilnslow Press, Oxon
- The Mental Health Handbook. Powell, T. (1999) Wilnslow Press, Oxon
Source: Leeds Mental Health Trust and Leeds Primary
Care Trusts
The original version of this leaflet was written by Ardsley Community
Mental Health Team, East Ardsley Health Centre, Wakefield WF3 2DN
NHS
Direct 0845 46 47 www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk
